Procrasturbation

Don’t know where to start?

No worries, it doesn’t matter. Everything is connected.
The ball doesn’t care where you kick it, just kick it hard.

At first glance, social isolation doesn’t seem to offer you many options. The “easy way out” is largely an array of doubtful mental states… like insanity, sexual deviancy, or “intentional” celibacy.
Hey, you could even combine them all. I hear there are a lot of openings in the Catholic Church these days.


“I am the light of the world. Don’t believe me, Thomas?
Come and flip my switch. Bring your sister too.”
Source: Tell me if you know

“Consider joining local clubs for things that you are interested in. This is a really great way to meet new people who have similar interests to you. Joining these kinds of groups gets you out of the house, out of your shell and out socializing at least once per week.” (Lifezap.com)

And we’re not talking about the local chapter of NAMBLA. We’re talking about getting your shit together. About going to work on yourself.

(Sigh… that’s not what I meant. Put up that Kleenex now and listen to me.) How? Earlier posts have given you a clue where we’re headed. The total instant make-over is not an option. Nor, however, is resigning yourself to a sex life of internet porn and inflatable women.

Now, a simple mind trick like “thinking of yourself as a winner” won’t do much to reverse things. If you already bought The Secret, well, write that off as a temporary lapse in judgment. Luckily, there’s a shitload of things you can do.

 

A Shitload Of Things You Can Do

Some important milestones like building “social credit” in the workplace, finding your way to the gym and earning your spurs with the fair sex will be dealt with in the upcoming posts, so let’s skip these for now. Here are a few recreational ideas that will inch you towards the better you you crave, one hobby at a time.

Before we start: There’s a Celtic saying, “Never give a sword to a man who can’t dance.” I’ve come up with at least five ways to interpret that, so I’ll leave it to you to make your own sense of it. After chewing through the following:

Learn How To Dance
Why?
Because dance schools are full of girls.
Even better: there’s always a lack of men, so even if you’re going stag, there’ll be a choice of girls to swing around the room with. If you don’t go to dance clubs because you fear rejection, this is the place to go instead.
Now, let’s track this logic down the road. If more girls than guys learn how to dance – and of the men who do a sizable portion is gay – that means you’ll remain in high demand after you’ve mastered the art. Need any more reasons?
How about the fact that your limp carcass will pick up a ton of grace and elegance? Not to mention increased body control and feeling bloody awesome?

For the full effect of awesomeness, combine dancing with martial arts (if you’re pressed for time, literally do that) and you’re set.

Start writing.
Verbal training is essentially thinking training. Putting some serious thought into writing helps clear your thoughts.
At the very least, a diary will help you deal with pent-up feelings. There’s some evidence that keeping a journal can prolong your life, but it’ll pay off even in the short run. Even if it’s not a book but just a few lines of ranting you fire onto a page and then stash away. I’ve written a hundred pissy letters and emails with the sole purpose of filing them off to a drafts folder, knowing I’d feel so much better after just writing it all out.

Why is this listed under “Get out there”? Pretty isolationist, eh? Isn’t this how things like the Unabomber’s manifesto come to be?
Hell no. Because you can rent a few megs of web space for a handful of dollars and yell it out into the world. Just wait and see where this takes you – this very site quickly changed its original idea from “therapeutic steam valve” to “reaching out to people and building shit together”. I had not planned to do this when I started writing. It was just a journal I felt was better kept secret on a harddrive than on a piece of paper (because we all know just how much safer that is). Well, so much for that idea – the journal took on sentience and kicked its way out into the open. And it feels like getting a blowjob on a bed of hundred-dollar bills.


Do it, bitch!
Source: Tell me if you know

Learn how to cook
Whirling around in your kitchen, brandishing knives and taming fire will impress the fuck out of girls.
It’s at the same time manly and romantic, will keep you in much better shape than that processed shit in cans, and you can show off some
good parts of your personality. (Thanks to DevHyfes on PWOT for the idea.)

And if you fail as a cook, the girl’s maternal instincts may kick in to save the day. I made my move on the girl I love over a criminally undercooked casserole. Maybe she said yes to save me from the threat of food poisoning… who cares?

She said yes.


I also killed the food right in front of her to prove I could defend our future family.


Get some martial arts training.

Martial arts will provide you with endurance, grace and the knowledge that no one will ever again dunk your head in a toilet bowl. You can release steam, strenghthen your body and twirl people twice your size and weight around like a motherfucker. Trust me: you’ll feel like Superman.
To find out what best suits you, shop around. College sports programs offer various classes for a few bucks, often open to people of any age-group and academic status. There may also non-commercial sports clubs around that are perfect for getting the feel. Try out as many different things as you can until you find the one best for you. Then go find a really good place to stick with, which may cost a bit more but will be worth every penny.

It turned out that my own learning curve was way too flat for Aikido; I wasn’t bendy enough for Taekwondo; I constantly got hurt during Jiu-Jitsu; and my back suffered when I tried Judo.

“…And, on to learning to fight, know that you absolutely won’t learn to fight without getting punched/kicked/thrown/etc.  If you’re not hurting and being thrown out of your comfort zone, know you’re not learning how to fight.  If your instructor tells you the art is too deadly to spar, you’re not learning how to fight.” (David on the PWOT Forums)


Point taken, sir, but I have no problems with sore muscles and black and blue marks. I loved JJ despite the constant bruises. It just involved too many sweaty dudes trying to crush my face in their crotches.
So then I tried Karate, and knew I had found my sport: constant drill of the same basic motions made sure I could keep up; there was no one trying to grapple my nuts; and there was the remote chance of one day chopping my firewood without those pesky axes (yes, I also tried the weaponized stuff and quickly learned I was more of a threat to myself than to potential attackers. Seriously, fuck you, Kendo).


Don’t use light sabers to deflect Unforgivable Curses. You’ll kill half your gym class.
Trust me on that one.
Source: Tell me if you know

It’s not about getting all those colorful belts (well, that is part of it), nor is it about beating the shit out of someone – you’ll know that when you see those bullies taking the same class you’re in – though it will feel good to know you can at least pull equal to most of them.
No, it’s about the routine. Remember what I said last time about routine? Routine creates a feeling of security. Being able to react to an attack without thinking, and to at least stun your opponent long enough to run away. Knowing you can do that will erase the “victim” vibe and give you that glow of confidence that probably keeps the bullies off in the first place.
Maybe there will be a “fast makeover” option after all? If The Karate Kid is any indication, this shouldn’t take long.


Well, here’s a downer: TKK is full of shit.
“The Raid” (Pt. Merantau Films, Celluloid Dreams, XYZ Films)

 

Can that nail be driven any deeper? I’m sure it can and should be. Two excellent articles illustrating that point are this and this one. In the words of David Wong, gleefully pissing on TKK in the second one:

“We have a vague idea in our head of the “price” of certain accomplishments, how difficult it should be to get a degree, or succeed at a job, or stay in shape, or raise a kid, or build a house. And that vague idea is almost always catastrophically wrong. … So, people bail on diets. Not just because they’re harder than they expected, but because they’re so much harder it seems unfair, almost criminally unjust.”

As it turns out, there are no giant leaps. There are a thousand small steps.
Which will pay off. Not in terms of those colorful belts, mind – if you’re only in it for showing those off, just buy a new bathrobe. No, you’ll feel the difference. You’ll act differently, even though you may not even notice. In fact, it’s best if you’re not even trying to act differently because then you won’t be acting. Get it?

I can’t stress the “small steps” part enough. Keep away from huge, overly ambitious make-over projects you either won’t start or can’t follow through with. Don’t make it your goal to “be perfectly well-adjusted within one year” or something like that because forget it. Hard.

This is a lifelong project.

“Set specific goals and write them down.  If you really want to do something, set tangible goals. Throw yourself out of your comfort zone. 
Do it as much as you possibly can. A little bit is better than nothing.” (David on the PWOT Forums)

Yep. At the same time, aiming too high will ensure failure and an ego concussion. It’ll be all over before you’ve even got going properly. It’ll also cause you to say “told you it wouldn’t work” and go back to your Kleenex box. So, once more, balance is called for! How about fighting to claim a specific, realistic level of mastery in a field of your liking? Maybe one of the things I listed above?


There’s a reason I didn’t list “skateboarding”. Christ on a spit roast, you’re fucking adults.
Source: Tell me if you know

Lasting through a complete dancing class season? Playing the ocarina you bought on a whim
in a way that makes people ask for more? Cooking romantic pasta dinners like Satan in an apron? Getting a bitching belt in the martial art of your choice? Heck, how about simple, no-talent stuff like running a couple miles?
Writing down what you observe and sharing it with the world?

In a nutshell:

To gain respect, become a master at something respected.
Stop procrasturbating.
Just. Fucking.
Do it.

 

 


 

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